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Incredible Sex (52 Brilliant Little Ideas)
by Marcelle Perks and Elisabeth Wilson
Format: Kindle (AZW)
Price: Free

We were set to slam this freebie from the Kindle store for its ho-hum take on human sexuality and tips for spicing up your love life (seriously, don’t ever tell us to spice up our love lives, like we are missing a dash of cayenne pepper or a note of cumin, all right?), but surprisingly enough, this book doesn’t entirely suck. No, not entirely.

Yes, it’s written by a duo (Marcelle Perks and Elisabeth Wilson) who have no ability whatsoever to convey the sexiness of sex, and instead prefer to cover as much ground in as flavorless a writing style as possible. Yes, the British term “snogging” sounds far more hilarious than sexy to American readers. But some of the tips are still useful, in a remedial way, such as the suggestion that when it comes to oral sex, men should almost always slow down and avoid direct contact with the clitoris until the woman is bucking her hips like mad. An obvious suggestion, to those who’ve had sex more than twice, but a good tip for beginners to keep in mind if their love lives are falling short.

Terminology like “get your rocks off,” however, do not help these writers’ in their cause. And the suggestion “Have a bowl of cold yoghurt and one of warm peas nearby and dip your bare feet into them” is not only bizarre but disturbing, thanks to its location in the anal sex chapter. No, honey, we would NOT like to have any yogurt or peas inserted into our asses tonight, but thanks for asking first!

Finally, ending a book with Marilyn Monroe’s signature move should be the high point, the literal climax. Ending, instead, with the summary phrase “The bloke probably quite enjoyed it too” is quite the opposite of hot. You’ve just turned consummate sex fantasy Marilyn Monroe into a crappy ending, you twits. -10 points for killing our lady boners, and the boners of men everywhere.

Is it wrong to complain about a free book’s sex tips being too pedestrian? Perhaps. But why anyone would want to write such a book is the real question. If you’ve got a burning desire to set the world’s sex lives on fire, then by God as a burning bush, DO IT! But for the love of cocks and cunts, please stop with the poorly-written advice that you are trying to pass off as “brilliant ideas.” (LR)